Hello, I’m back!! The past month has been exciting and also terrifying but very rewarding also hard and fun. It has been all the things.
I MOVED!! To Nashville! Where I had already been paying rent since July! My monthly payments are no longer in vain 🙂
Since I graduated college in May, I had been living with my parents in Oklahoma. I had treatments 5 days a week and there was no way I could have attempted to take care of myself amidst the ‘bootcamp’ treatments.
But that was then, and this is now! I’ve worked my butt off doing everything ‘right’ and necessary to facilitate the best possible healing. My parents have provided me every resource and have been the backbone of the whole operation. I’m forever grateful for the continuous sacrifices they’ve made the past year.
By the grace of God and medicine, I have made truly incredible progress and was able to move to live on my own in October! I had been completely reliant on a full-time caregiver (hi mom) for 10 months by then. I had no sense of independence and no confidence after being incapable of doing pretty much anything except breathing for so long. None of us knew how it was going to go, if I’d be able to handle taking care of myself, if I’d have a major crash or setback, if I’d manage okay.
I have big news.
I’m managing okay!!!!
It’s hard every single day but there is no way around that. I have to budget energy more carefully than most people budget money. Do I get to wash my hair today or go grocery shopping? Better make the right choice! You can’t do both!
There are no days off of chronic illness. You don’t get paid. There’s not a day with energy or without pain to remind you what you’re fighting for.
Each day I’m faced with hard decisions of how to spend my energy. I can’t cook on the same days I have appointments. I can’t grocery shop on the same days I have to cook. There isn’t a ton of room for anything not absolutely essential.
But some days there is. And I can go to the bookstore, or meet up with friends, or go for an extra long walk.
These days remind me I’m a human, not just a walking medical issue. And they remind me that I used to do these things and not ever give them a second thought. I’m glad I don’t take the little in between moments and breaths of fresh air for granted anymore.
It’s been 1 year.
Though I hadn’t been doing great before, last November was the start of the serious health decline and feels like the beginning of it all. It’s a weird anniversary to celebrate.
Looking back and making some discerning conclusion or comment about it all is pretty much impossible. I’ve been scary sick. I’ve been okay. I’ve been deserted by friends. I’ve felt more love than I knew possible. I’ve laughed and cried probably an equal amount. I’ve felt aggressive anger, frustration and disappointment. I’ve discovered genuine fear is no match for true hope. I’ve jumped into bravery and known it as a friend.
The year has softened me, strengthened me, pissed me right off, empowered me, and encouraged me to get up and face it all over again tomorrow.
It’s been 1 hell of a year. And I can’t wait for the next one.
Until Next Whine,
I am genuinely so thankful you are here. Knowing I have people in my corner makes everything so much better.
Please comment, email, track me down in the street, I’d love to hear from you 🙂
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